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Blessed Are They That Have Not Seen

Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

John 20:29 KJV

 

When I finally decided to start living my life for what it was instead of what it could be, that is when it truly began. Ethan and I started to look for our first home to buy. This was a scary thought for both of us because we had no idea what we were doing. It was also a little of a painful process. Ethan wanted something with land, I wanted something cute and big enough to suit our needs. After a while we finally found the perfect home. Looking back on it, it is actually sort of funny on the house we settled on. We wound up right next door to the house that Ethan was living in when we were dating!

But I am getting ahead of myself…

A couple of weeks before we found the home we would eventually buy, I started noticing my body acting very strange. My breasts were sore, I was weepy, and I did not want my coffee (and for anyone that knows me personally will tell you that is shocking)! I did not want to get my hopes because I cannot begin to tell you how many negative pregnancy test I have taken. I thought to myself, “oh wait and see you will start your period in a few days.” And like clock work, that is exactly what happened (or so I thought). Two days later it completely just stopped.

I chalked it all up to my body is weird and PCOS is a bully. I let it go and the house searching continued.

Have you ever heard the saying “God will show you who’s God?” He definitely did that to me. Even though my cycle had stopped, I still did not feel right. Ethan and I went to look at the home we would eventually buy. The night we decided to put an offer in, I also decided to take a test. I remember thinking that this was dumb and a waste of time. I was going to look down and see the dreaded 1-line negative and not the much hoped for 2-line positive. Well lo and behold…

2 lines!!!

I could not believe it. I mean really I did not believe it! I went out the next morning and bought another test. Again another positive. I remember thinking and praying silently to God that if this is real, please somehow let me know. Then we got in the car and the song How great is our God! came on. I mean if that is not a direct answer then I do not know what is. I was pregnant. All this time of trying and trying – nothing! When I finally let go, God was able to take control. I believe that it was meant to be at this time. For the first time all of our family was in one place, we were buying a home, and Ethan and I were starting to become closer and closer.

Sometimes I think I wish that God would have just told me, “hey I am going to give you a baby, just hold your horses.” Even still I do not think that I would have believed it. It makes me feel like Thomas in the bible that would not believe that Jesus had been risen from the dead until he felt the scares in His hands.

Well to make a very long story short, I gave birth to a beautiful son. It was an easy pregnancy, scary delivery, and so far 16 months later – the greatest joy of my life. And so the real journey begins.

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Preparing The Field

“Good days give happiness…

Bad days give experience…

Worst days give lessons…

And best days give memories…

NEVER REGRET A DAY IN YOUR LIFE!”

– Author unknown

 

So after Ethan’s family moved, our family (for the first time in our whole marriage) was in one spot.  We were happy, but those days did have challenges as well. I had to learn that no matter how you felt that someone treated you, you have to show kindness. This was a challenge for me because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I am not slow to anger like I should be. However, Ethan’s mom started working at the same place I did and we were able to form a bond that didn’t involve Ethan. I think for the first time I saw her as a person, rather than just my mother-in-law. I would like to say that our relationship is 100% just rainbows and sunshine now but everyone knows that relationships of every kind take WORK, and that work is a life long process.

Another year went by. Ethan and I slowly had started to think about and except that it was going to be just the two of us. I never gave up the desire to have a child, but I no longer was going to let it hold me back from living. I did, however, want to get healthy. I would not consider myself a very large person but for my height I knew that I was obese. I also knew that with PCOS, being over weight was not helping me at all.

Have you ever watched a movie or heard a song and just one single scene or line struck a nerve with you? I had this happen to me when I was watching the movie Facing the Giants. There is a scene that shows a man telling another a story of “two farmers that desperately needed rain for their crops to grow. Although both farmers prayed for rain, only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one trusted God to send the rain?” The one who prepared!”

When I saw that, God convicted my heart. I did not know if God would send the rain but I was going to prepare my field for it anyways.

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Blessings and Struggles Go Hand in Hand

Jesus answered and said to him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.”

John 13:7 NKJV

 

So anyone can tell you that marriage is HARD! It’s true, marriage can be extremely difficult.

After Ethan and I moved back to my home town I thought that things would finally fall into place. However, being away from his family made life extremely difficult. When I lived away from my family, I will not lie, I struggled being so near to his family and not my own. I did not feel like they cared that I was so far away from the only home that I ever knew, and I did not see a lot of sympathy (at least it did not come across that way). I also felt that maybe he did not love me enough to move to be with me. I would be being dishonest if I did not say that I felt resentment towards him and his family for not being able to be with mine. To be truthful, I still struggle with that resentment to this day.

So when Ethan started to feel unhappy about being away from his family, I am sad to say, I did not have much sympathy for him. In my heart I thought “now you know how I felt.” Looking back, I hate that I felt and acted that way. I know I was not being a good wife.

Well, as anyone can guess, Ethan and I argued A LOT!!! In all this time we were still trying to have a baby. Bad timing I suppose, but I still wanted what I wanted. After about three years of being apart, Ethan’s family (to my huge surprise) decided to move back to where Ethan and I were currently living. This was a blessing, but it did not come without difficulty. I say that because I have had some ups and downs with his parents. I love them, but we are very different people from one another.

I wish I would have known that this was all just a part of His greater plan…

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Where You lead…

But Ruth said: “Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God.

Ruth 1:16 NKJV

 

Just when you think that things could not get more complicated…

Family steps in.

I should start off by saying that when I got married, I moved away from the only place I had ever lived, and by moved I mean about 500 miles! As you can imagine, that was extremely hard on my family, especially my mother. However, I was in love and I would do anything to be with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Ethan and I had been together for a while, and when he graduated high school his family decided to move to another state. We did long distance for a year and a half, then he popped the question, we got married, and I moved to be with him. So here I was living with my husband several miles away from my family, and his family lived right up the road.

I will not delve into how hard it was to be so near his family and not my own, but lets just say that it put more than just a strain on our relationship.

Well 2 years into marriage later and STILL NOT PREGNANT, Ethan’s family ups and decides they are moving even farther away. After seriously considering our options, we knew the only thing that made since was to move back to my home town. We were looking to start a family, and wanted to be in a stable environment.

Of course, this was not easy on Ethan to be away from his family, but we knew it was the right decision. Once we moved back to my hometown I was a lot happier, and I thought that maybe NOW I would finally get pregnant…

Three more years passed by and I can honestly say that it was some of the toughest years yet!

 

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Words Have Meaning

If you have never heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), then you are not alone. When I was diagnosed at 15 it just seemed like a long word that didn’t really mean much to me. When Ethan and I started to try to conceive, I learned that PCOS was definitely something that could not be ignored. 

So after about 6 months of trying and not getting pregnant, I started to become a little worried. After making a trip to my OBGYN I was introduced to the confusing topic of fertility. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the words ovulation, testosterone, and estrogen. Basically my body over produced testosterone and not enough of estrogen. I was then introduced to fertility pills called Clomid. 

While all of this was going on, I don’t believe I ever just stopped and asked God what His plan was. Honestly, I did not care. I wanted a baby, and that was the only thing I was concerned about. I thought the doctor could make it happen for me but it wasn’t that simple. Well, after that mine and Ethan’s life took a turn…

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The beginning

A little backstory…

I met my husband, Ethan, working at my first job when I was 18 years old in May 2006. I will not go into much detail on that story, but will save it for a later time. So fast forward 3 years and we are married on December 5, 2009. Ethan and I had always planned on waiting a year or so before we were going to start a family. So that time came around May 2011, and we thought that it was a good time to start trying. Well that is when it all began…

I suppose I should not have been too surprised when I did not get pregnant right away. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  At 15 that big long word meant nothing to me. Honestly I just wanted to figure out why my cycles were irregular and why I was the only one in my family that was chubby. I did not really listen to the doctor when she was trying to explain that it could one day make it difficult to conceive. So when I did not get pregnant 6 months after trying, I thought a nice trip (or not) to my OBGYN would be just the trick. Well long story short that big ugly word reared its ugly head once again…