“Teach me to do Your Will, for You are my God. Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness.”
– Psalms 143:10 (NKJV)
“Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
– Philippians 1:6 (NKJV)
So I know it has been a really long time since I have written. In some ways a lot has changed and in others not so much. In my last post I had written about starting my modesty journey and switching to wearing dresses all the time. At first this went great and I had no problem making the switch. I felt good about myself and honestly thought that I looked pretty good. I felt like things were going well and I really feel like I have been getting closer to God.
In anything that we do in life its a journey right? I mean that is why I have titled this blog “journey of hope.” Well sometimes journeys take a little longer than expected.
You see I need to start off by saying that I am NOT a perfect Christian. If that were the case then I would not need Christ to begin with. However, I know that I am not on the same spiritual level as my husband. I do not mean to judge him or whatever relationship he has with God Almighty. To be perfectly honest, I do not know if my husband is saved. Yet again, I do not mean to judge him but his actions and words are what leads me to believe this. Now to clarify, Ethan has not changed since I met him. The problem is… I have!
You see when he and I first got together I was definitely a “Sunday morning Christian.” I was most definitely saved but I listened to what my “heart told me to do.” I did and said things that I am not proud of and would later ask for God’s forgiveness. I know that we should always ask for forgiveness when we do something wrong but we should also make an effort to change those bad habits and actions. Now please know that I was not a drug addict (I have never even touched illegal drugs) or alcoholic, but I did things that morally I knew I should not. So when Ethan and I got together I really only focused on things like:
- he will go to church with me
- he was a virgin
- he did not cheat
- he did not do drugs
I figured as long as he would at least go to church with me then it would be okay. I am ashamed to say that I did not put much effort or concern into his personal relationship with the Lord. Now after several years of being married and getting comfortable with one another…
I am uncomfortable!
Since I have began to grow spiritually I cannot ignore the differences between mine and Ethan’s spiritual inconsistencies. I do not regret marrying him because I love him with my whole heart. I think that God meant him for me. I hope that through what God is doing in my life, then it will help Ethan with his relationship with God and ultimately begin a relationship with Christ (if he does not have one.)
So why do I bring up all this when talking about how I dress? Well, as much as I think that we should instantly obey God when He calls us, I also think that God wants me to cool it a little on the dress thing. You see, at first I thought Ethan liked the idea of me wearing dresses/skirts all the time, but that sort of changed. I think I scared him a little into thinking that when you are a Christian you have to give up everything! I have come to realize that I need to take things slowly with him! This time instead of just diving head first, I want to truly seek God’s Will and follow His plan – not just do something for the sake of doing it.
I still plan on dressing modestly, feminine, and wearing dresses/skirts mainly, but I also know that I should focus on loving Ethan more diligently. I need to honor him, not be so judgemental, and not so pushy! Sometimes I feel like I rush into things without truly considering how Ethan feels about it. Now I know that God expects us to put Him before anyone else and that is what I am trying to do. I will not violate standards that I have set for myself just to please my husband. Instead I want to focus on leading him to the Lord. I believe when that happens (and I truly think it will) then Ethan will not only approve but encourage my wearing of dresses and skirts.
I know above all else that I need to pray. Pray for God’s Will to be done, pray for Him to let me see Ethan through his eyes, and pray for God to soften my heart towards my husband when honestly sometimes I just want to give up.
So this is where I am. I am not perfect. I change my mind sometimes. I fail sometimes.
I am also a child of God and He can and Will see me through anything.
“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
– Proverbs 16:9 (NKJV)