Does anyone ever feel like they are just faking their way through life? If so, I can tell you that you are not alone. I especially feel this way sometimes when it comes to matters of faith. I often feel like it is so easy to tell the people around me things like: “oh just rely on God and He will see you through anything…” or “I can do all things through Christ…”
Of course, both of these statements are true, but I often times do not want to believe them for myself. I sometimes sit back and think to myself, why is my walk with God so hard? And, why does serving Jesus come so naturally for others but not for me?
I feel like I know in my heart and my head the things I should be doing, but my old sinful nature wants to constantly drag me down. I often times put bible verses, Christian song lyrics, and even movie quotes on my social media pages that express Jesus’ love for us and His forgiveness, but I fail so many times to apply this to my own life.
I struggle with my thoughts. They are my biggest weakness. I have had ungodly lustful desires, anger, bitterness, and hate. Often times these sins have affected my marriage, family, friendships, and most importantly my walk with God. There are things that I have thought to myself that I am (to be totally honest) downright ashamed to admit to anyone but to God in prayer.
And then there are other thoughts that plague my life…
I sometimes am envious of those that have the BIG GOD STORIES. You know which ones I mean. When people get up in church and say “God delivered me from drinking… I was addicted to drugs but then Jesus saved me…” These people, even though they had to go through so much, seem to have an even closer relationship with Christ than I do, a person who has never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I then get angry at myself and think, Jennifer how can you be so self absorbed? God has protected you from those things so why are you envious of those people?
I have began to realize that maybe God does not have a BIG story for me, but rather a story of a person that can just love the Lord and by doing that, love others around me. Even though my life is not plagued with scandal, I can still tell people what Christ does for me on a daily basis. He helps me to realize that I don’t need to struggle with bad thoughts. I don’t need to be envious of others. I have a Great Big God who fights my battles for me.
God loves me. He loves my story. And He wants me to love others through my own struggles by showing what He does for me.